As a kid, I wanted to be like missionary Lottie Moon, dreaming of shining the light of truth in the darkest corners of Africa. Yet, the darkest corners were closer to home.
In countless encounters with Baptist leaders, their words and deeds conveyed a hateful message: “You are a creature void of value.” This began with Eddie Dunagan, the minister who molested me, and was reinforced by those who stayed silent, like Jim Moore, the music minister. Later, the same message was delivered by current ministers and deacons at First Baptist Church of Farmers Branch, who threatened me rather than addressing the actions of their former minister.
Baptist leaders from the Baptist General Convention of Texas and the Southern Baptist Convention compounded the hurt. They misled me, failed to help, and instead supported the church seeking to silence me. My experience reflects the pain of many other clergy abuse survivors.
Despite public claims about protecting “precious children,” Baptist leaders leave predators in pulpits and fail to help victims, effectively saying, “You don’t matter.” It’s a hateful lesson and a betrayal of their professed faith.
Had I fully believed this message, I would not be here today. Thankfully, I had people in my life who countered those teachings and reminded me that my life mattered. Thank God for non-Baptists and non-believers who showed me goodness and grace.
This sense of grace compels me to shed light in this land of darkness. Though I’m no longer Baptist, my self-identity remains tied to that world. The habits of evangelical thought—the call to missions, scripture memorization, and service—still linger. I even reached the highest rank in Girls’ Auxiliary: Queen Regent in Service.
But the faith of my youth is now a rocky land of treachery. I hear its call but know it’s not safe. My home is gone.
One persistent evangelical habit is asking, “What does God want?” As a child, it guided my prayers. Today, the word “calling” fills me with revulsion, yet I feel pulled to protect the young. How can so many Baptist leaders close their ears to this universal human calling?
As a child, I never imagined viewing Southern Baptists as a mission field. When I pledged in Girls’ Auxiliary or sang “This Little Light,” I didn’t think those groping in darkness would be Baptists themselves. But missions remain ingrained in me, and now I shine my light into the dark corners of Baptistland.
Another evangelical habit is the giving of personal testimony. Stories hold power. I believe that the collective testimonies of Baptist abuse survivors can compel the denomination to prioritize child protection over institutional preservation. Whether or not Baptists change, survivors’ stories must be told. Silence perpetuates shame, and it is not ours to bear. Speaking out reclaims power and refuses to cede it to evil.
The evil lies not just in the acts of abusive ministers but in the denominational system that enables them. In my activism, I’ve returned to the suffocating Baptist system—a land without oxygen. It’s familiar terrain, but I no longer breathe its air.
I often dream of hovering desperately, evading a giant net that threatens to trap me. The holder of the net is unseen, but the struggle is constant. I am neither trapped nor free, endlessly tethered by the question, “What does God want?”
Writing this book feels like reaching back to find the girl lost in the wilderness of faith. But she has also reached forward, protecting me with her courage. Despite her fear and loneliness, she made the horror end. By ensuring others knew the truth, she protected me from being dismissed as a liar. I owe her my gratitude.
I see her courage. She saved me.
Adapted with permission from This Little Light: Beyond a Baptist Preacher Predator and His Gang, by Christa Brown.
Named as one of the “top 10 religion newsmakers” of 2022, Christa Brown has persisted for two decades in working to peel back the truth about clergy sex abuse and coverups in the nation’s largest Protestant denomination, the Southern Baptist Convention. Brown has been featured in The Houston Chronicle, Vice, writes for Baptist News Global, and has had numerous mentions in national media. She’s the author of Baptistland: A Memoir of Abuse, Betrayal, and Transformation and This Little Light: Beyond a Baptist Preacher Predator and His Gang, a retired appellate attorney, a mom, and a grandma. She lives with her husband in Colorado.
